Botched Blessings

Whenever a permanent an opponent controls becomes the target of a spell or ability he or she controls, destroy that permanent.
Whenever an opponent becomes the target of a spell or ability he or she controls, you may draw two cards and gain 5 life.
"Become a priest, they said. You'll get to travel the world and fight vampires, they said. But no one said nothing about blowing up the mailman with a prayer."