Hentai Haven Chan

+2: Until your next upkeep, Whenever an opponent takes damage, they must watch that many minutes of a hentai of your choice
-3: All creatures get -x/-x until the end of the turn where x is the number of results for "hentai" in your internet history.
-9: Create a tentacle beast with haste and trample whose power and toughness are equal to the number of hentai pics saved to your hard drive.