John, the Indomitable

+3: Gain 1 life (You will only triumph over opponents with John, the Indomitable by your side. Defeat is abominable).
-1: Target player sacrifices a creature (You recommended a restaurant that doesn't meet John's standards. He has now lost trust in your judgement).
-5: Exile target player (You have a manbun or you have indulged in karaoke. You set the flames of John's wrath ablaze. There is no turning back).