Justin McElroy

+1: Draw a card. If any opponent has listened to a McElroy podcast, they draw a card as well. Each player who drew a card loses 2 life.
-1: Gain 2 life for each McElroy podcast in your podcast-listening app.
-9: Contact Justin McElroy by any means necessary. If he responds in five minutes, you win the game. If not, draw cards equal to your creature count.