Kvothe the Bard

{u}: {t}Target player may give you a high five, if
they do not you may draw 2 cards.
{g}: {t} Target player may tell a joke, if nobody
laughs then add 3 mana of any one color
{b}: {t} Target player may say "what," if they do
not to each opponent sacrifices a creature.
{w}: {t} Target player may give any other player a compliment, if they choose not to you gain 5 life.
{r}: {t} Target player may stand up, if they do not you may do 3 damage to any target.