Liam The Virgin Squatter.

+1: Put a token with the name "V card" onto the field it is a 0/5 wall and will protect your virginity.
-3: Make a token creature called "Liam's Dryspell." it is an X/X creature where X is the months you've gone without sex.
-8: You deal X damage to target opponent where X is the number of weeks that you've not had sex for.