Whitey, Medical Nightmare

0: All creatures you control gain the following abilities: Ectodermal Dysplasia, Blood Clots, Erectile Dysfunction (more on UBC Twitter).
-1: You get a "Mayo Clinic" token land that must be tapped every turn for 1 white mana. If "Mayo Clinic" token land is not tapped, you lose 5 life.
-5: The owner of Whitey, Medical Nightmare, loses his/her job and attends countless meetings to receive paid leave.